Yesterday was a very long day.
While I was preparing yesterday’s blog posts I was falling apart… too many images flashing through my mind… memories of our time together in SL; all the love, fun, creativity, plans, chickens, cattle, (let’s not go there), exploring, occasional tears, and uncontrollable laughter… the sharing… memories of how we have shared so much intimacy across the ether by way of caring for and consoling each other during the 10 months since we first met… images of the now-shattered dreams of our future together; the possibility of OUR veggie patch, the real hugs, the welcoming him home from work with a fresh pot of coffee and a comfy stool for him to rest his feet on as he unwound… more recently the thought of him working on an engraving after his retirement and me stood there looking down on him with a hand gently resting on his shoulder as I place a fresh cup of coffee carefully at the edge of the table… and, of course, the images of an empty existence in SL; the constant reminder that even though we were talking again it would never be the same; too much had changed.
I couldn’t breathe.
(Warning: Long post)
I’d been pumping paracetamol for days to counter the headaches and stinging eyes caused by hours of endless tears.
In desperation, I begged a favour from the man who I know, despite the events of the past week, is so caring and considerate. Earlier in the week, as I saw the shutters come down on my world(s) with him disappearing from every aspect of my internet with no word of explanation I had taken the heart-rending decision to terminate us as SL partners… I had felt I had no choice. So I sent him an email pleading for him to re-partner me on SL, just for a short time, long enough for me to come to terms with the situation and to work through how I was going to cope over the coming months. I needed a crutch; something to lean on before I completely collapsed out here in RL.
I told him that I really just COULDN’T take the rings off… I couldn’t move forward yet, it was too soon.
Doing that gave me some strength to get through the hours until he would be online again… some distant hope that I would have something to lean on for a while until I could get my head together; a tangible sign that I knew he still cared.
He didn’t really understand at first, but he agreed to do it as he could see it was obviously important to me in some, possibly feministic, way. That’s one of the reasons I love him so much… underneath the brash exterior he truly does have a heart of gold.
As the day progressed we continued to talk about things via email. He’s going through a really confusing time at the moment, this I already knew of course, and he blogged about it and talked to other friends and relatives, and I chipped in with my little snippets. My SL friends checked in with me from time to time to make sure I was ok and to offer their support and love.
In the gaps between the emails I found the strength to start preparing for my night at the Titanic ballroom, an AZUL gown I’d bought when they had their spring sales on but that Danny had never seen. Well, you know what us girls are like… it takes me hours to put a new outfit together with all the wading through the various options; the shoes, the hair, the make-up, the nails, the jewellery… all the colour options and toning… I’m such a fussy bitch when it comes to my gowns and my dancing, I like to look perfect. I always wanted to look perfect for my boy because I knew he loved that about me.
Such a shame then that when I’d finally put everything in place and came to do my final check, the “how does it look when I’m dancing” which I always do so as not to ruin the whole effect, I realised that the alpha layer for the main mesh element of the gown extended right down to feet level, which meant that when my ankles showed…. they didn’t !
That’s what happens when I go shopping with the girls, I do stupid things like not get demos first. It’s a beautiful gown, as are all my gowns, but I would need to have a different alpha with it for dancing, and there just wasn’t time because Danny’s messages were becoming more frequent and he needed my attention. Note to self…. Concentrate when you’re out…. shopping is important !
So I hurriedly changed to an old staple, the beautifully elegant Danielle Christabel Red, one of my all time favourites, and only 750L including those really lovely pumps and the stole.
We carried on talking and I began to get the feeling, hoping beyond hope, that he just might – MIGHT – be open to coming back on to SL so that we could go dancing one more time. It was almost too much to dare to believe that it might happen, and my heart was pounding. Maybe, just maybe, the draw would be too strong, the memories so happy for him that might feel the need to rest his weary mind in a place where he always found comfort and love.
And then, suddenly, he opened up… as he put it he “didn’t want to lie to me by omission”… he was suffering too. He had such an ache in his chest that wouldn’t go away and was getting worse. He was in physical pain. He too was experiencing the extreme emotional distress of our being apart.
I gingerly offered him the opportunity of coming to join me on SL for a while…. no strings, no obligation, no commitment, he could define the limits… just a chance to relax together again and to talk more intimately about things, whether we went dancing or not… anything that he was comfortable with.
While I was waiting for him our friend who is one of the hostesses at the Titanic and who I was expecting to see later came online, and I quickly brought her up to speed. She’s recovering from an illness and the news that Danny was at least coming back to chat for a while gave her a lift. Through our time at the Titanic she has watched our relationship blossom and been involved in so much of it herself, and she had been so sad to hear of what had happened to us. I told her that if we did actually manage to go dancing then we’d not be very openly communicative and she understood, just delighted that we were working together to get things sorted out, whatever the outcome.
He rezzed by the sofa to find me sitting there cuddling Alaska, so I moved her to the floor and we assumed “position A”, our hug sit.
We started cautiously at first, just relieved that we had reached this far, and wondering “huh, so what next?”.
And we talked, and we talked, and we talked… and we agreed that we really can’t see a future for either of us in which the other doesn’t play a part… we both make a bee-line for each other in times of trouble, and the recent problems had really arisen because we’d allowed the details of our relationship to become smothered by “outside things” and had stopped communicating openly with each other about “us”. There had been too many “omissions”, on both sides and also not enough “listening”.
That’s not going to happen again… we’ve both committed to bringing any concerns to the table from now on, and we have quite a backlog to work through too, mainly my backlog I fear, but we’ll work our way through it, together.
It got so late that our hostess friend was heading off to bed, but the news of our progress meant that she went off with a big smile on her face to add to her improving condition, which was lovely to hear.
Danny asked if I still wanted to go dancing, but it was 4:30am for me and far too late, unfortunately, so we began to wind up the conversataion in our usual way.
I asked him if he’d eaten, because I know that he needs to keep balanced and that at times like this he’s likely to let it slip, and he told me that he hadn’t eaten for two days. Well, if your name is Daniel Wolfsong and you say that to Tish then you know exactly the response you’re going to get…
“<< looking around for that fish"
Believe me girls, if you want your man to know when he’s in trouble you only have to mention the fish or rez it and he falls into line “just like that”… any man who’s ever been slapped by this baby has stayed slapped !
So there we are… a week of hell, utter despair and desperation, but at the end of it a lesson for all of us with regard to relationships… if you want your relationship to remain healthy and have no nasty surprises then keep the love flowing and keep the communication pathways open. That way a little minnow doesn’t grow into a full blown shark and the one you love doesn’t suddenly explode and walk out on you.